Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
