I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
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