He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
