so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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