My hand turned me down
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
