so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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