my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
