if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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