she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
