got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
