did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Randomize
