we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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