Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
