dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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