I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
