I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
