I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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