I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
