So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
