That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Farmville is her only friend.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
