I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
