don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
