I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
God, you're like boner-b-gone
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He shit in the fireplace
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
