Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
