what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Randomize
