every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
