I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
