i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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