Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
