dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
