Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
