worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
