just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I checked into jail on foursquare
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
