Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
