someone threw a dead crab at me
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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