Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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