we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
