Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
