Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
