I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
