I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
