our cab driver is having phone sex.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
