Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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