on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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