so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
