my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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