I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I need a beard to bite.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
