I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I need to calm my uterus...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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