I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
