I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Randomize
