Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize