i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
