i may or may not be watching the land before time
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
